While a separation for the family can be hard to navigate with children it is important that we find ways to make it easier for everyone. While no one wants to have a separate their families, there are times when it is unavoidable and can be hard on everyone involved.
Separations happen for a lot of reasons. Military, rehabs, work, divorces and more. They also effect everyone differently. And while no reason is better or worse than the other, they all take a toll on the children and the parents.
My family is at a point where right now we are facing a separation. And it takes it's toll on the children, my partner and myself. It's hard. And it's work.
There are a few things that I find make separations easier to navigate (and survive!).
1. Make sure you are the same page parenting wise.
Really this is key for all parenting relationships at all times. If you do not present a united front you cannot parent effectively. Ideally this should have been worked out prior to children. I will not tell you what type of parenting you should use. It is not my place nor do all families use the same style or do all children react to them. The key here is that you are united, not divided, no matter the circumstances.
2. Make sure kids get a chance to talk to the away parent whenever possible.
This is crucial. For the children to have a good relationship with both parents is so important. Each parent provides a different set of emotions for the child to use and grow from. It's often thought that the mother is the nurturer and the father is the disciplinarian, but that isn't always the case. A mother can be a nurturer and the father could be the one they go to for play and growth or vice versa. But it is crucial that the child(ren) have all their needs met by a good relationship with both parents.
3. Find as much time as possible to do family activities.
Within you limits and resources, finding ways to do things as a family like you normally would is vastly important. This helps create a sense of normalcy for the child(ren) and both you and your partner. It helps keep the child(ren) in the mindset of there are two parents around me and can even keep their behavior more in line with how it would be with both parents in the household.
4. Keep the same rules.
Children thrive of habit and ritual. Keeping the same rules and schedules to the best of your ability will make the moments when the realize the other parent isn't there a little easier to navigate. Yes, you will find you have moments when you just need to let them watch television for 3 hours and go crazy and let them do something you wouldn't normally do (like run through the house), but overall keeping the rules and rituals normal will keep up the impression that both parents are there.
5. Understand that your child(ren) are going through the separation emotionally too.
Have Patience. Too often we focus on what we are going through and not what the child(ren) is feeling as well. It is very important to take extra chances to hug, kiss, praise and interact with them. While we want to create the sense of normalcy through the routine, we also want to make up for the difference in love they would normally receive. It also provides them with chances to come to you with anything they may be feeling. Take the time to really listen to what they have to say and express understanding and compassion when responding.
6. Make sure you and your partner find ways to connect.
While it will be harder to have the relationship you normally have, look at this as a challenge to work on your verbal skills. Find ways to show gratitude and emotion for one another that you may not have in a while. Write letters, send flowers and small trinkets or treat it like you are courting each other again to bring a new revival to your relationship. While it feels like it could be a curse or negative time, you could find is exactly the opposite and what you really needed to take a stagnant relationship to a new level.
Above all, it is important to remember that a separation is often only temporary and often will results in a really good outcome. Things may seem glim and bleek right now, but when things finally come together in the end like they are designed to do, the payoff will be worth it.
Making sure that your child and partner feel loved, cared for, enjoyed and important can and will make this transition smoother. And for everyone facing a separation, I am right there with you!
Hugs and Coffee,
-The Anti-Mainstream Mom
Please take a second to follow me on Facebook!
No comments:
Post a Comment