I'm not bribing my kid, I'm teaching him to work towards and incentive!

I have a rant. A problem really. And the more I think about it logically, the more it upsets me. While I try not to spank or raise my voice or any of those wonderful ::eyeroll:: parenting style methods my parents used on me, I do have one I use. Most people call it bribing. I call it something entirely different.


We hear it all the time.

"Don't bribe your kid, they'll grow up wanting something for everything."

"Don't bribe your kid, you'll make them spoiled."

"Don't bribe you kid, yada yada yada....."

By their standards I do bribe my child. But I don't call it bribery and I don't think there is truly anything wrong with it. Why, you ask?

Well I think of it this way. The entire foundation of our adult life is based on incentives and goals. When you grow up and you work in the "real world" (whatever that really is!!) you have incentives for everything you do.

Go to work = Make money.
Do good at work = Get bonuses.
Pay your bills on time =Get good credit.
Help a friend out = Get free beer.


So if in our pursuit to prepare our children for "real life" we do not teach them the value and goal of incentives, then I feel like we are leaving out a crucial part of life skills. I'm not bribing my child. I'm teaching him to work towards a goal and incentive that will benefit him.

Do you teach your child to work towards a goal or an incentive?

Share your comments below!
-The Anti-Mainstream Mom

A Peak Into Our Life

I forgot to do Wordless Wednesday. I really thought I would do it, but yikes, I forgot. So instead, I figured I'd share a few pictures over the last few days to give you a glimpse into our little life. We aren't a "busy" family. All our activity comes from what we do around our little homestead. So here you go....

Wordless Wednesday

This is my first Wordless Wednesday. I'm excited. So... shhhhh!!!!

My Daughter in Robots and My Son in Red.

Coffee Musings

I'm thinking of starting a new theme. Friday Coffee Musings. Just things that have randomly come into my head, heart or life in the last week. Just leave them to be pondered or even chuckled at. So grab your coffee -mines an Organic Kona Blend with Organic Coconut Milk Creamer (Vanilla) and Sugar- what's yours?

This week has shown me a few things.

I'm horrible at keeping my schedule and word. It's not that I intentionally blow people off, but I get lazy or stuck in a mindset that breaking it will be the curse of me. I really need to work on this. Focus and direct my energies where they need to be directed. Follow through. Respect myself and others enough to stay on top of my goal. 

How evil are "comfort foods" from your childhood. Like pizza rolls. Why is it that they are so yummy and ruin ever single goal I had set for myself this week to eat clean? Why were they even invented. Just to bring demise to our health? It really isn't fair.... nom, nom, nom. 

No matter how small my lap is, I can get both kids on it at the same time and love them both equally. Even if we look like a Tetris game-board. It is worth it and I can feel a noticeable difference in my stress level after just getting on the floor and loving on them. 

Little Row can talk. She just refuses to. This was proven when she was singing along with a song on Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood or Little Einsteins. The stinker... she's been holding out all along. 

Noah can officially count to 20, again, when he wants to. You have to wait until he thinks you aren't paying attention and then he'll do it. Same for writing his name, identifying his ABCs and more. Stinker status too.

I am so excited to save up the money and join a certain birth movement. It came to my attention about a month ago and no one else I knew had liked it. Now I know 15 other friend like it. It was a nice feeling to be the first. It won't compare to the feeling when I'm the first certified in it in our area! Come on money!!! I need to attend two births to have enough money to attend!

I like this. It feels purging. And nice to randomly put my thoughts down. Word Vomit of sorts. Thanks for reading. So..... tell me.....

What kind of coffee are you drinking and what musings did you have this week? 



Hugs & Coffee, 
-The Anti-Mainstream Mom
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Simplifying our Wardrobe: The Purge (Pt 1)

We are getting ready for a big change. A change that involves less closet space. And we are very excited about the prospect that it brings. But there is one little hitch. There will not be enough room to keep what is considered a full wardrobe for all of us. Which is okay, I'm tired of all the laundry anyway. So we are downsizing. 

"The Purge" as you've noticed it being called has started. I've sorted about 10 baskets full of laundry already. (See, told you we have a lot of clothes.) I probably have about 10 more to do as well. Plus bedding. This is getting fun.

Fun? Yes fun. Because we are making it fun. I ask my son if he wants to keep something or send it off into the Universe. We aren't just purging and throwing away. Or even selling. We are going to be giving all our kids clothes to a great inner city organization. Because coming from our homeless and in desperate need background, we know the value simple things hold. And I don't even want my kids to forget that! 

This is proving to be an exercise in learning what are wants and needs. Because we may want to keep all our favorite t'shirts, but we don't need too. And any that are stained and are not going to be able to be used my the groups we are donating to, I plan to turn them into fun little blankets. It will be a great memory and have a practical, new use in our home. 

Now on to what are we keeping.
Each family member will have their wardrobe. I will have 2. (One is a set of work clothes, the rest are home/daily clothes.) 

3 pairs of short
3 pairs of jeans/khaki's/etc.
10 t'shirts-6 short sleeve/3 long sleeve
3 pairs of sweats/house pants
3 pajamas
1 dress up outfit (for church, weddings, etc.)
1 jacket
1 sweater
1 winter coat

for the girls only
3 skirts
3 dresses
3 pairs of tights


I will not be getting rid of any socks or under wear or under shirts. We will be keeping all of those. Because with little kids, sometimes you go through lots of socks and underwear!

This is going to be an exercise in frugality. And picking our favorites to keep. I plan on keeping some extras in storage in case we need them. But for the most part we plan on relying on just what I will have on hand.  This is going to end up being an exercise in patience and all of us picking what we really love most. All clothes have to be versatile, strong, clean and  practical.

Do you think you could slim your wardrobe down? Would it be easy or hard? 

Hugs & Coffee, 
-The Anti-Mainstream Mom
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Word Wars and The Power of Words

It's hard to stop and think that in the age of technology that people consider words to be the sharpest tools to cut another person with. That we have gotten so far from the actual definitions of words that when used correctly they are attacking or demeaning another person or their way of life. 

The evolution of technology and language has been very sneaky. In the ever so amazing way to push us against each other and direct our attention from the real problems of the world we have created "word wars". 

These word wars have perverted the definitions of words and thoughts to the point that when used correctly it makes the other person feel defensive or degraded. At the same time we have taken the literal meaning out of words we have also taken words that are horrible and mean and made them acceptable or common place. 

The problem is how do we get rid of, well, the problem?

There is no simple answer either. If we were to simply start educating others on the true definitions and proper usage of words, we would still be degrading them. And most people wouldn't put it properly either. The would just spam up their Facebook wall timeline with Websters and Dictionary.com links about proper usage of words. (Oh I can see the havoc this would bring with words like faggot and retarded.) Which would then cause more word wars with the other person thinking that you are telling them they are uneducated or lack knowledge.

There is no delicate way to walk this path I fear. Maybe we need to start when our children are younger teaching them the value of words. Or maybe we need to unplug the internet and have our conversations out in the streets, face to face, with people we can touch and feel. Or better yet, maybe we need to link every single word to their definitions on Dictionary.com. Wait, never mind.... that would be the opposite of what I'm trying to do.

The point is, words can hurt when we take them personally. Words can hurt when we assume how another person is using them. Words can hurt when aren't sure of their actual definition. And words hurt most when we are feeling bad about our personal decisions.

The take-away, 
Please, teach your children the value, weight and importance of words. No matter if it's a "swear/curse" word or a simple word like sub-par.



Hugs & Coffee, 
-The Anti-Mainstream Mom


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Parenting Through Seperations

While a separation for the family can be hard to navigate with children it is important that we find ways to make it easier for everyone. While no one wants to have a separate their families, there are times when it is unavoidable and can be hard on everyone involved.

 Separations happen for a lot of reasons. Military, rehabs, work, divorces and more. They also effect everyone differently. And while no reason is better or worse than the other, they all take a toll on the children and the parents.

My family is at a point where right now we are facing a separation. And it takes it's toll on the children, my partner and myself. It's hard. And it's work.

There are a few things that I find make separations easier to navigate (and survive!).

1. Make sure you are the same page parenting wise.
 Really this is key for all parenting relationships at all times. If you do not present a united front you cannot parent effectively. Ideally this should have been worked out prior to children. I will not tell you what type of parenting you should use. It is not my place nor do all families use the same style or do all children react to them. The key here is that you are united, not divided, no matter the circumstances.

2. Make sure kids get a chance to talk to the away parent whenever possible. 
This is crucial. For the children to have a good relationship with both parents is so important. Each parent provides a different set of emotions for the child to use and grow from. It's often thought that the mother is the nurturer and the father is the disciplinarian, but that isn't always the case. A mother can be a nurturer and the father could be the one they go to for play and growth or vice versa. But it is crucial that the child(ren) have all their needs met by a good relationship with both parents.

3. Find as much time as possible to do family activities.
Within you limits and resources, finding ways to do things as a family like you normally would is vastly important. This helps create a sense of normalcy for the child(ren) and both you and your partner. It helps keep the child(ren) in the mindset of there are two parents around me and can even keep their behavior more in line with how it would be with both parents in the household.

4. Keep the same rules.
Children thrive of habit and ritual. Keeping the same rules and schedules to the best of your ability will make the moments when the realize the other parent isn't there a little easier to navigate. Yes, you will find you have moments when you just need to let them watch television for 3 hours and go crazy and let them do something you wouldn't normally do (like run through the house), but overall keeping the rules and rituals normal will keep up the impression that both parents are there.

5. Understand that your child(ren) are going through the separation emotionally too.
Have Patience. Too often we focus on what we are going through and not what the child(ren) is feeling as well. It is very important to take extra chances to hug, kiss, praise and interact with them. While we want to create the sense of normalcy through the routine, we also want to make up for the difference in love they would normally receive. It also provides them with chances to come to you with anything they may be feeling. Take the time to really listen to what they have to say and express understanding and compassion when responding.

6. Make sure you and your partner find ways to connect. 
While it will be harder to have the relationship you normally have, look at this as a challenge to work on your verbal skills. Find ways to show gratitude and emotion for one another that you may not have in a while. Write letters, send flowers and small trinkets or treat it like you are courting each other again to bring a new revival to your relationship. While it feels like it could be a curse or negative time, you could find is exactly the opposite and what you really needed to take a stagnant relationship to a new level.

Above all, it is important to remember that a separation is often only temporary and often will results in a really good outcome. Things may seem glim and bleek right now, but when things finally come together in the end like they are designed to do, the payoff will be worth it.

Making sure that your child and partner feel loved, cared for, enjoyed and important can and will make this transition smoother. And for everyone facing a separation, I am right there with you!


Hugs and Coffee,
-The Anti-Mainstream Mom
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